Remembering the Why's

As I come closer and closer to departing for Zanzibar, I feel myself becoming more anxious. Why? I've done this before. I know the community. I've been longing to go back. However, I feel as a person would who is amidst conquering a fear. There is a place in the mind that presents a highly appealing idea to turn back, though jumping is already inevitable.

I remember the first time I left for Tanzania. While I had many doctor's visits, shot appointments, visa preparation, Swahili practice, etc. to prepare for my departure, I had never felt less ready than when I walked up the escalator to my gate. I remember tears rolling down my face unwillingly and thinking, I am not ready. I am not ready for this.
Though no matter how much I could have tried to prepare myself, no matter how much I did prepare myself, I never would have been ready. My experience in Tanzania was something I couldn't predict. I couldn't have controlled how I would be changed or how I would grow. Those very elements were, however, what made the experience beautiful. I'd never be ready, and that was exactly how it was supposed to be.

I've narrowed down my biggest fears: traveling alone and not having a group of peers this time to constantly be in contact with. Everything else, I have predicted will go exactly as it did last time. However, what I continue to ignore is that it will be an entirely different experience this time. I will not be prepared for unexpected direction changes or feeling differently than I felt last time. And this is the way it is supposed to be. I cannot make myself ready; I can only go in with the single comfort that a lack of readiness will be the beauty. Contrary to the details people are asking, or the worry they are showing, the scary jump is the part that always happens; it is, as noted earlier, inevitable.

When I hear the appealing idea in my mind telling me to turn back, it has become a habit to critically examine why I chose to take this route. It is then that the why's are answered. While in Tanzania previously in 2012, I felt that I was eager to return to America. I wanted to see my family, settle back in to my college routine, and feel the comfort of being in control. It was not until I returned that I realized how much I missed my old environment. Living in Tanzania had become routine; a comfortable lifestyle. I had learned and changed so much that America felt like more of a distant place. Ever since, I have been longing to go back. The feeling of being able to return to a place I so love is entirely heart warming and exciting. Now, I feel encouraged to return. Though at times intimidating, I am prepared to never feel ready, and I know that this is absolutely significant.

Salaam.